Tiger Woods

TIGER WOODS: EVERY PICTURE TELLS A STORY

The years have not been kind to Tiger Woods. Seems like not so long ago he was the Golden Boy who became the FIRST athlete to earn a billion dollars. In 2006, his beloved father died and Tiger was never the same. He calls it “The worst day of my life.” Back problems, marriage problems, and sex scandals have plagued him ever since. His last girlfriend Lindsey Vonn split because SHE caught him cheating. His DUI arrest this weekend in Florida produced a mug shot that tells it all. Dissipated, disheveled, and losing his hair. Future uncertain.

LINDSAY VONN’S “BASIC INSTINCT” ASSUMES THAT BOYFRIEND TIGER WOODS WON’T CHEAT

Tiger Woods’ new girlfriend, Olympic skier Lindsey Vonn, seems to have forgotten all about his history of philandering. People want to know if she’s afraid he will cheat on HER, but everyone seems to avoid asking her about it. Our gossip pal CJ, at the Star-Tribune, carefully worded the big question when asking Vonn “What is it about your new relationship that makes you confident FIDELITY is part of the foundation?” She stammered “I don’t know…that’s kind of a weird question. You have to trust the person you’re with…we’re happy …and that’s all.“ Her publicist yanked the skier away. We’re guessing she’s one of those girls who feels “I’m special, and this guy will change for ME!” (Above, Lindsay on the cover of ESPN magazine re-enacting for some reason, a Sharon Stone moment.)

SEX ISN’T TIGER WOODS’ ONLY PROBLEM

Tiger Woods should have been nicer to his former golf swing coach Hank Haney because the observant coach who was with him for six years, has written a tell-all book called “The Big Miss.” The NY Post revealed in an excerpt that coach Haney says that Tiger refers to his hired help as “friends” but doesn’t treat them that way. The coach says that when Tiger finished his dinner in a restaurant – and he was a fast eater – he’d get up and leave without a word and expect everyone to follow, even if they were still eating. And that included his wife Elin! And Tiger thought it was funny to be cheap – when they got takeout, Haney would have to pick up the food and pay for it too. Tiger also had a mean sense of humor – at one tournament Tiger had to share a room with another golfer who happened to be a devout Christian. Tiger immediately purchased the adult-movie 24 hour package and turned the TV on. He thought it was hilarious watching the guy ignore the porn and try to act natural. Not really that surprising, we never thought good manners and good sense were Tiger’s thing.

RACHEL UCHITEL: HIGHEST PAID CELEBRITY REHAB PATIENT OF ALL TIME

Party girl Rachel Uchitel struck GOLD the day she met Tiger Woods. If it weren’t for their affair, she wouldn’t have banked a million dollars for keeping her mouth shut, and she wouldn’t have become a household name. Her fame brought her another opportunity: Celebrity Rehab offered her a million dollars to appear on the show and she didn’t even have an addiction. It’s the most they’ve ever paid ANYONE to appear, and they had to conjure up a “love addiction.” THAT’S why she returned after walking out of rehab for a day. AND she ended up with a private room. A million dollars for three weeks! Janice Dickinson is gonna be furious when she hears about this.

TIGER WOODS WANTS TO REBUILD HIS DEMOLISHED IMAGE BY AVOIDING LAS VEGAS

A number of Las Vegas charities are crossing their fingers that Tiger Woods won’t be afraid to hold his charity foundation’s largest fundraiser, Tiger Jam, in Las Vegas this year. Tiger cancelled the event last April due to his cheating scandal. According to Norm Clarke, Woods’ PR team has been discouraging visits to party central Las Vegas in hopes of rebuilding his shattered image. But the charities are hurting financially and hoping Tiger will resurrect the event. As long as he’s not photographed nightclubbing with questionable women, what’s left of Tiger’s reputation should survive the weekend intact.

ELIN NORDEGREN IS WASHING THAT MAN RIGHT OUT OF HER JEWELRY BOX

Tiger Woods’ ex-wife Elin Nordegren is quietly selling all the jewelry her errant husband gave her wile they were married – and she doesn’t want anyone to know. She intends to get rid of the trinkets that remind her of her marriage so she’s having Sotheby’s sell the stuff. She instructed that it be sold without provenance – even though it might sell for a lot more money if buyers knew where it came from. Much of her collection will be in an upcoming auction.

ELIN GETS 750 MILLION FROM TIGER WOODS AND CUSTODY OF ALL THEIR PETS

Not only is Elin Nordegren rumored to be getting 750 million dollars and sole physical custody of her two children with Tiger Woods, but according to a friend, she’s also asking for full custody of all of their pets! At one time the animal-loving family had two dogs, a cat, fish, and horses, and now Elin wants them all to herself. She will allow Tiger to spend time with their kids, but she wants exclusive custody of all of their pets.

DID TIGER WOODS’ CHEAPNESS DO HIM IN?

No WONDER so many of Tiger Woods’ girlfriends and mistresses sold their stories – he was a cheapskate with all of them! If he’d been a bit more generous this deluge of tell-alls might not have happened. Besides being a lousy tipper, he never gave his girls gifts or even nights on the town along with his entourage. He even had the nerve to fly them on discount airlines in coach seats for their hotel assignations! And if any of the girls needed money, he turned them down! Now that the girls know about EACH OTHER, they all feel cheated and used and can’t talk enough.

TIGER IS NOT OUT OF THE WOODS YET

Our observant colleague, CJ from the Minneapolis Star Tribune, pointed out that Tiger Woods’ best friend Bryon Bell was sitting in the audience at his press conference. If Charlie Sheen had a press conference, that would be like his drug dealer sitting in the front row. “Addicts” are supposed to get RID of the enablers who HELPED them do all the wrong things! Bryon Bell arranged trysts for Tiger and paid with his own credit card. If Tiger is sincere about starting over, he’d better start by getting rid of everyone connected to his bad behavior. Isn’t that protocol for “addicts?”

ELIN NORDEGREN: DO THE RIGHT THING

We were delighted to hear that Elin Nordegren has no intention of appearing with her husband Tiger Woods tomorrow when he makes his “speech.” At LAST, a wife with the backbone to refuse to stand by her man when he is SOOO wrong. Too many wives meekly lurk “supportively” beside their disgraced mates when the guys make insincere public apologies simply because they got caught. We’ve seen evangelist’s wives and political wives (yes Hillary, we mean YOU) do it, and it’s a step BACK for feminism. Pretending to support a louse makes the wife seem as dishonest as the husband. Forgive him in private, but do NOT support him in public! Don’t disappoint us, Elin!