Meltdown

DENNIS RODMAN IS DICTATOR KIM JONG UN’S PUPPET

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Dennis Rodman’s very public meltdown must have been a joy for North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un to behold. We think Kim is USING Rodman to point out to his fellow countrymen how ignorant and backward Americans really are. Dennis’s nonsensical raving is enough to scare any North Korean citizen. On Rodman’s fourth visit to the repressive country he brought a team of basketball players and put on an exhibition game for Kim’s birthday. You can bet they were all paid HANDSOMELY. Rodman is obviously still an alcoholic, probable drug abuser, and has a few loose screws. Who better to represent the capitalistic American people? Kim Jong Un is many things, but not a fool.

AMANDA BYNES’ PROBLEMS ARE JUST BEGINNING

As if Amanda Byne’s parents didn’t have ENOUGH to worry about! The world is watching their 27 year old daughter spinning out of control (drugs? mental problems?) since she decided to quit acting and move to New York to become “a fashion designer.” Not only is her odd behavior documented in gossip columns, but she herself fills in the blanks on Twitter. Certainly one reason she left LA is because after driving infractions and a DUI, she lost her license. The cheek piercing and head shaving indicates that she means it when she says she doesn’t want to act. But she IS spending money as fast as she can. Now she’s decided to tap into the money she earned when she was young and her parents invested for her future. According to RadarOnline she has demanded immediate access to ALL her invested money- estimated to be 3 or 4 million – and to hell with the future.

AGAINST ALL ODDS, CHARLIE SHEEN AND HIS NEW TEETH ARE BACK!

Like most people, we thought the highest paid actor on TV, Charlie Sheen, had pretty much destroyed his acting career when he was fired from “Two and a Half Men” last year. His coke and hooker scandal, public meltdown, and feud with the show’s producers seemed like the last nail in his coffin. When he made a deal to star on another series- Anger Management – for a lot less money, we doubted it would never come to fruition. But now we actually think it might work! Smart producers are basing the character on real-life Charlie (which made Two and a Half Men successful.) His character is a former baseball player turned anger therapist who treats people at his home in the San Fernando Valley. He’s often more messed up than his goofy assortment of patients. Writers promise the show will be even edgier than “Men” and if they are half as good as “Men’s” clever writers, Charlie has another hit on his hands. (Channel FX in June) (Above, Charlie and the cosmetic dentist, Dr Kevin Sands, who fixed his teeth for the new show)

JASON RUSSELL MAY HAVE WORSE PROBLEMS THAN SUBSTANCE ABUSE: SCHIZOPHRENIA

We still haven’t recovered from Jason Russell’s wife’s incredibly inane explanation for her husband’s bizarre behavior. The sudden viral success of Russell’s mini-documentary on monstrous war criminal Joseph Kony has brought him notoriety and admiration. Instead of reveling in the spotlight, Russell was found in the streets of San Diego behaving like a madman – talking and shouting to people who weren’t there, running around and pounding the sidewalk, stripping off his clothes and masturbating in public. He was hauled off to a mental hospital and his wife was offended at the suggestion that he was drunk or on drugs. She insists that his naked meltdown was not substance abuse, but “dehydration and exhaustion.” (So instead of have a glass of water and a nap, he flipped out?) His wife should only HOPE that Jason abused drugs because he exhibited all the symptoms of schizophrenia. And THAT’S a scary diagnosis.

COOLIO: “I’M THE BLACK CHARLIE SHEEN” (BUT WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR HAIR?)

Even Charlie Sheen never put on a sloppy public display of insanity like Coolio did in Minneapolis. According to our gossip pal CJ at the Minneapolis Star Tribune, the rapper appeared at the Lounge ($15 at the door) where he embarrassed himself with a drunken, incoherent sexual tirade. The club owner said Coolio forgot the words to his hit “Gangsta’s Paradise” and announced “I am the black Charlie Sheen.“ He then proceeded to proposition women in the audience in obscenely unprintable terms. After he was busted with crack cocaine at LAX in 2009, Coolio was sentenced to 18 months in rehab. Even more alarming than his behavior is his hair style. We didn’t know he was bald on top.

IS THERE ANY WAY CHARLIE SHEEN CAN MAKE IT BACK TO WORK ON TUESDAY?

The countdown has begun. ”Two and a Half Men” is resuming production Monday and Charlie Sheen is expected to show up for work Tuesday. But he’s on another bender and unraveling fast – his advisors are trying to stop him from buying multi-million dollar neighboring houses in Mulholland Estates for his two ex wives. Crack loving exwife Brooke Mueller has already moved back into his house along with a few porn stars. (The beginning of the “porn family?”) He went on an insane shopping spree and spent $900,000 on cars for pornstars along with a $160,000 Mercedes for Brooke. He packed up Brooke and the porn girls and left for the Bahamas (Brooke ditched him at some point.) He’s been calling radio shows from the Bahamas, badmouthing his producer Chuck Lorre, challenging him to a fight, and ranting and raving like a madman. But he INSISTS he will be back at work. We can hardly wait.
UPDATE: Apparently CBS executives finally got fed up with Charlie’s antics and cancelled the show for the season. Stay tuned for Charlie’s reaction!

CHRISTINA AGUILERA: IT’S TIME TO GROW UP

What the heck is going on with Christina Aguilera? Ever since she left her husband for Matthew Rutler, whom she met while filming Burlesque, she appears to have been on a bender. Rutler has become something of a caretaker while Christina, 30, parties her butt off and more than once he’s been seen holding her up. Before she married, Christina was a wild party girl but after having a baby she was seldom seen in nightclubs. Maybe the failure of her marriage, her last album, and her movie Burlesque, all AT ONCE is causing her to overindulge. Jeremy Renner was surprised when she crashed his A-list birthday party, but appalled to find her passed out in HIS bedroom with Matthew rubbing her back. She also made a scene in a New York club getting snarky with Burlesque costar Julianne Hough. Get a grip, Christina, everybody has problems.

STEVEN SLATER: BE KIND TO YOUR FLIGHT ATTENDANT- OR ELSE!

Overnight, flight attendant Steven Slater has become a working class hero because he simply refused to take any more abuse from passengers on JetBlue. The details about EXACTLY what set him off vary, but it involves a rude passenger bonking him on the head with an overhead bin and instead of apologizing, cursing him out. Bad manners overload caused the attendant to snap. Steven’s dramatic departure – telling off the nasty passenger on the PA system, grabbing a beer, and leaving the plane, which had landed at JFK, on the emergency slide. He calmly drove home and a neighbor reported that “about fifty cops” came to arrest him. (For WHAT?) He hasn’t paid his $2500 bail yet, but Facebook fans and his fellow flight attendants are rallying to take up a collection for their new idol. He’s getting enormous sympathy from the public and job offers already. Certainly the talk show circuit is next. We’re dying to hear more details about that rude passenger.